First, while every other website in the world is getting bought by a hedge fund and then clubbed to death to make muffs of white baby website fur, Wonkette is not that. Because Gawker sold it to Ken Layne who sold it to me, and I will die in this website with my boots on.
Unless you have a million dollars. I’d think about it then.
Second! We are gearing up for the conventions, which are soon upon us! I’m taking Evan, Doktor Zoom, Robyn, and Shy to both Milwaukee and Chicago. There, on July 14 (Milwaukee) and August 18 (Chicago), I shall throw you SUCH PARTIES! The last time we did this was 2012 when I accidentally ate some acid and saw Charlie Crist in a parking garage and some freeloader who wasn’t even a Wonker came to our backyard Charlotte party and said it was a dud. Fuck you, that guy!
Or maybe it was 2016, which come to think of it, did we even go to those? I remember New Hampshire. I remember doing a lousy job in the blizzard with our sixish month old baby and just chilling (literally) in a Walmart parking lot and not doing hardly any reporting at all. Somebody complained about that too! And I was like, yes, I thought I would do a better job with my sixish month old baby in the blizzard, and I did not do a better job, and I feel sad about it. Then he felt bad and said sorry.
This time we’re leaving the children at home.
What does this mean to you? It means would you like to give us some money?
Seriously, I am about to spend a fortune on flights, rentals, and drinky things. If you’re holding and you want to, we accept!
Third! It’s been 80 years … but I finally FINALLY finally FINALLY got a T-shirt solution I’m willing to sell at you. (The quality for a while was “image falling off the T-shirt in shreds” which is not a thing I am willing to do.) So men’s and women’s T-shirts and women’s tanks are BACK! We’re starting with a small smattering of designs. Just pick men’s or women’s depending if you like them tented or shapely (men’s are crewneck, women’s are V-neck), choose your size Small to 4X, pick black or white, and the image of your choice. Want one of our other beauteous images? We can do that at you too, just drop me a line at rebecca at wonkette dot com, and I will make it happen by which I mean my assistant Felicia will make it happen.
Don’t forget your stickers, coffee cups, and temporary tattoos! And shit, we are mommyblog recipe hub. Better get an apron too.
Now we’ve got the commerce out of the way, I want to thank you, again, for keeping us going these [gets out abacus] 12 years and four presidential election cycles since I bought the joint. Thank you for being a happy merry vile snarkmob, murdering each other with kindness (and sometimes murder) in the comments. For keeping me in utterly fantastic writers, your veterans like Dok and Robyn and Evan and Michael, your old friends who are back again like Gary and Sara and Dom, and your new friends like Marcie and Andrew and CripDyke and Cakes We Like and Ziggy and Martini and Hooper, your bartender. For keeping my four generation family in house and home.
I hope you’re able to take today off like we are (mostly) to celebrate Juneteenth. We’re gonna eat some red food up in here and think about freedom, and equality, and these motherfucking times we are motherfucking living in, and we’re going to shake our heads and cluck our tongues and then we’re going to have another drink and rest up. There’s work, forever, to be done.
Thank you for being our friend.
xoxoxox
becca
Wonkette
