The makers of Cards Against Humanity, the very silly card game that invites you to match very rude answers to very strange statements — “That ass” seems to fit in a lot of categories — came up with a great idea to turn out some blue voters: Pay registered voters who didn’t vote in 2020 to drag their asses to the polls this year and vote! And also to make them apologize for not voting last time, and also to post “Donald Trump is a human toilet” on the social media site of their choosing.
It’s some pretty subtle messaging, as this screenshot of their “apologize.lol” web page makes clear. (The site background changes colors every now and then, in case that might cause you seizure issues, we do not know.)
The pitch is straightforward enough:
Stop masturbating and listen up, America. Four years ago, half of you didn’t vote. We don’t care what your excuse was—My vote doesn’t matter! Both sides are the same!—it all sounds like WAAAHHHHH! to us.
It’s time to face reality, get off your ass, and cast your fucking ballot this year. If you didn’t vote in 2020, Cards Against Humanity will PAY you to apologize, make a voting plan, and publicly post “Donald Trump is a human toilet”—up to $100 if you live in a swing state and lean blue.
If you’re a real American who actually voted in 2020, support the cause by getting our all-new 2024 Election Pack for just $7.99. 100% of the profits will directly pay blue-leaning non-voters to give a shit.
We bet that if civics textbooks cussed now and then, more people would remember the three goddamn branches of government and shit.
Here’s how it works: People who didn’t vote in 2020 can click a button that will, when the site isn’t “down for maintenance” as it was when we visited Friday, prompt them to
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Write a brief apology for not voting,
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Explain their plan to vote this year, and
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Post “Donald Trump is a human toilet” on social media.
Then the Cards Against Humanity people will send them some money for planning to vote, with an itty bitty amount (they don’t specify) for anyone who pledges to vote, and the top award of $100 to blue voters in swing states. The voting plan is a biggie, since as the company says, “Lots of studies show that “making a voting plan” is one of the most effective ways to get a person to actually vote.”
How is that even legal, and how can the company even know whether someone leans blue or red or a fancy color like chanteuse?* As the site’s FAQ explains, “This whole thing should probably be illegal—so quick, give us your money before they change the law!” Also too:
We formed a Super PAC and bought the personal voting records of every American citizen from a data broker we found on the internet. It’s pretty fucked up. […]
We got your partisan lean from the same data broker who sold us your voting history. You wouldn’t believe how easy it was for us to get this stuff. So fucked up!
This is corporate activism we can get behind. (“That ass.”)
To pay for the project, the company put in $100,000 of its own money and is also selling a special 2024 election-themed pack of 30 cards for $7.99, the sales of which will go to fund the bribes voter incentives. Because you’re technically giving money to their SuperPAC, the offer is only available to US citizens and permanent residents, so tough luck to Canadians and other foreigns unless you want to risk getting caught by James O’Keefe giving money to an American friend or fuckbuddy to buy a pack for you.
WELL! This is a special opportunity for people in seven swing states to take advantage of Musk’s stupid pro-Trump scheme to allegedly mobilize Trump voters by having them sign a meaningless “petition” to “support” the US Constitution, “especially freedom of speech and the right to bear arms.” As Cards Against Humanity ‘splains,
If you’re a registered voter in PA, GA, NV, AZ, NC, WI, or MI, just type your name into this dumb website for his PAC, put “MuskIsDumb@cah.lol” as your referrer, and they’ll be legally obligated to pay us $47. The more people who do this, the more Musk money we’ll get to un-fuck America.
If he doesn’t pay up, we’ll sue him again.
Now, it’s not a petition, it’s a mailing list, but the headache of getting some junk mail is worth it to take money from Elon. If we lived in Pennsylvania, Georgia, Nevada, Arizona, North Carolina, Wisconsin, or Michigan (oh! we know someone there!) (oh, she has already done this! she says, which means it’s true), we would definitely do that.
How well is the effort going so far? Looks like they’ve gotten voting pledges from just under 1,800 voters, which may not tip any states yet, but the goal here is to get people voting, and to get you outraged at the influence of money in elections, and yeah, to make you remember that Cards Against Humanity set in the closet.
The site also provides some inspiring apologies that have been submitted by penitent, lapsed-no-more voters:
“My husband is considering voting for Trump for some vague financial bullshit reason so I’ll keep reminding him about how we got an abortion and how that was rad and all uterus owning humans should have the right to fully operate their body to their liking.”
—Allison, New York
“I was in a coma in the 2022 election cycle. Thank you for that great reminder.”
—Dustin, Indiana
“My brain was poisoned by the anarcho-primitivist hippie commune I was living in at the time to think that I shouldn’t involve myself in a political system that I don’t support, but that could have cost people’s actual lives if Trump had won again, so I am deeply, deeply sorry and regret this choice!”
—Greta, North Carolina
“I HAVE NIGHTMARES THAT IF I DO NOT VOTE AGAIN, I WILL BE EATEN BY A GOLDFISH MADE OUT OF PEANUT BUTTER, AND AS I AM IN HIS TUMMY, ALL I HAVE ARE MY THOUGHTS OF REGRET OF NOT VOTING.”
—Jared, New Mexico
“I formally apologize for not voting in 2020. I am honestly just really lazy and a gargantuan piece of shit.”
—Zachary, Florida
Honestly, Zachary, get your shit together, man.
(*Yes, we know.)
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